ONE DOLLAR

I cry. My heart is aching. I have let my child down. I have disappointed...all.



Is there a word for the "in between" extreme happiness and extreme sadness? What is it called? I know there are many names for it. That is where I want to be today. But I am not.


You know the chart the nurse gives the child with the faces on it and he points to where he is? What he is feeling. 10 being the very best and 1 being the very worst. I am at a 3 1/2...I WOULD GIVE A DOLLAR TO BE AT A 5.



I told my marine I would drive the 8 hr trip one way to pick him up for the holiday. Do to unforeseen circumstances I was unable to do what I said. Now he is stuck there and everyone is "unhappy" with me because I got every ones hopes up...only to disappoint. Go figure I am pretty good at that.


PITY PARTY...table for one please...


I have failed at alot in my life...succeeded in a little bit. Times like this sitting on the porch swing snot bubble crying wondering if I should take my contacts out least they wash away are few and far between.


I don't cry much...doesn't mean I don't feel. Crying has always been a sign of weakness for me so...every 6 months or so I open the floodgate and let it all go so I can go back to being the strong BITCH that I am. Yes, I said bitch, and 1/4 of the other words I have said to the walls and wind today would make a sailor blush.

Writing helps. Talking don't. Few understand. Shel does...gawd how I miss her.

My pity party is over. My guy is here, he don't understand but gosh how he tries.
The waiter brings the tab and I look at him and thing wow! he looks familiar. We stare for a minute and with us both holding the Bill he leans down close and looking into my puffy eyes he says in a cinnamon whisper "will that be all for today"... I whisper back..."absolutely" then he is gone...



I look down at my tab and the total due is ONE DOLLAR. And written under is "I love you mom" I smile through happy tears and find myself back at a 10!



If He brings me to it, He will bring me through it.

I love you baby!